Abandoned

I had a fresh reminder today. What that word is and what it means. I have committed myself to be abandoned to God. That's the only way I can live this life knowing that I am living it for him. Wholeheartedly, unrestrained, free. He has fully given himself to me. He didn't hold back, he will never hold back. I can't hold back either.

abandon-a complete surrendur of inhibitions.

If I had the medicine....

I've wanted to steer clear of that word "love" for awhile. Mostly, because I couldn't find it deep inside of me to know what I believe. In the words of Ray LaMontagne "Still don't know what love means". But I have figured out where I stand on this word and where my heart lies.
I've been the cynical one. I know that path well. I've had the conversations with friends who like me have lost hope in this whole idea. When you see people around you throw in the towel and give up, and when you reflect on your own life, the bruises you carry that still show up to remind you of that word, its connotation is beyond negative, it's something to be avoided at all costs.
But I have finally figured out what I believe, and it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks I always knew it was deep inside somewhere and this beautiful thing called "time" has brought it out.
So this is the course I will remain on. Love-I believe in it, but more than that I hope in it. Daily.
It's more than a fairytale way of thinking. It's being completley conscious of the reality around you. But the great collision happens when you're not controlled by the external circumstances but by the internal belief. If you look for it around, and hope for it people you may be disappointed. There are people I can look at and say that is "the real thing" and there are people I look at and say "wow, no thanks". But my belief doesn't rest in the people who do it well, and the people who don't. Love comes from God, therefore because of my relationship with Him the belief comes from inside of me. It becomes if you will a God-given way of thinking. To know it still exists. It's still there, and it's still coming for you. What is belief? it is the confident assurance what what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see (Hebrews 11:1) I've come more than a long way, and am still coming around, but I know belief is the first and might be all I need to not lose heart, to not lose love.

If I had the medicine, I'd give you the medicine!-JMM

Transition

Transition. I have a love/hate relationship with this word. I love it because it means something new will be happening, I hate it because it means something new will be happening. I have found that nothing in my life has really turned out exactly how I planned it. Once I grasped this concept It still leaves me with no answers shockingly. A "now what" if you will. But I have found some truths that I can find consistency in. Worship, Waiting and Work as Henri Nouwen calls it. I have adapted it for myself and what it means in my life when everything seems to be changing all around me, I can't stop the change but I can learn to be the most consistent faithful person even in the midst of change. Worship-The utmost goal and desire, what I was created for. I can never lose site of this. This holds things all together. And I find my most sincere worship is the worship that comes from the heart. In the time when I don't have the answers. When I learn to let all my defenses down and just be me. Its amazing how much healing comes with that, and surprisingly how much he wants that from me too. He disarms me. Secondly, Waiting-This word seems to sum up my life quite well these days. Sometimes the waiting is good, precious really. But sometimes it is a huge black hole that I stare into and see no end in sight. But nonetheless it is there. And it has attached itself to me whether I like it or not. But I have found that the more I worship the more I can wait. Thirdly, Work-This is the in and out of every day life. Doing those things you really never feel like doing but have to. It's the struggle and the reward. It's the vocation now, and the vocation that I don't even know where it is but trying to get too. That He sees that and has an answer. That I don't give up because everything happened differently. What I have to believe is that He sees my and knows me in my worship. He sees me and knows me in my waiting, and He sees me and knows me in my work. So all these transitions can happen, they can come loudly or quietly it doesn't make a difference Because i'm still here. With Him. When I can really hold onto this and believe his good work is being "worked" out in me, It changes everything.

Yeah your making me a mountain that can never be shaken. Your making me a mountain that can never be moved. -Kristine Mueller